Kecewa Dengan Diri Sendiri

Kecewanya aku.

Spek

Ku kenal mamat ni, Spek (bukan nama sebenar) masa houseman kat HTAA. Actually aku dah kenal mamat ni before this sebab Syera pena minat kat dia. At first aku tak bagi phone number aku kat dia masa dia mula2 mintak. Aku suruh dia bagik 10 reasons kenapa aku patut bagi kat dia.
Lepas satu minggu, terserempak pulak dengan dia kat ACC. Dia pun macam paksa2 bagi so aku pun bagi la (miang jugak aku ni). Dia dan2 tu jugak ajak aku kuar tapi aku tak dapat pegi sebab ada hal lain.
Anyway kitorang pun jadik baik lepas tu. Aku suka jugak kawan dengan dia sebab dia kelakar n sempoi. Keluar pun ada la dalam 4,5 kali, whether alone ataupun dengan kawan2 aku. Banyak yang aku tau pasal dia and likewise :)
However, lepas beberapa bulan, aku noticed banyak yang tak kena dengan mamat ni.

1. Cerita dia tak konsisten. Yang ni kawan aku yang noticed. Ada banyak mende yang dia cerita, macam tak masuk akal.
2. Dia sangat possessive. Tengah2 kerja pun nak sms, kol segala. Tensen nak melayan wehh.
3. Kami tak pernah keluar makan kat tempat yang open, selalu kat tempat yang low profile ataupun jauh dari bandar. Kata dia, dia malu kalo terserempak dengan orang HTAA. Malu pasal aku ni pegawai, dia tak.
4. Dia tak serius masa keje, selalu mengulo, pastu selalu MC/EL. WTF? Macam ni aku nak jadikan somi?

Lepas pindah Jengka, aku macam dah tak layan dia sangat. Trying to distance myself kononnya. Last sekali dia kol aku masa aku OTW pegi Taiping kenduri Alin (pergh ingat lagi). Aku rejected his call and sms dia kata aku dengan BF masa tu. Memang kejam gila. Pastu aku dah tak kol/sms dia. Nak2 pulak lepas telefon hilang. Memang dah takde pape kontek la.
Kenapa aku teringat kat dia? Sebab tadi my colleague bercerita about her first love, about her being dumped by her BF. Dia beringat dengan pesan mak dia yang aku ingat.

" Biar orang buat kat kita. Jangan buat kat orang."

Seriously aku terus teringat kat dia. Nak mintak maap dari ujung rambut ke ujung kaki. Sori ar babe. I shud've been honest with you.

LoSiNg

=Someone i know lost her baby a few weeks ago. I was told she was very devastated and couldn't stop crying over her loss. I met her before she miscarried so it came as a shock to hear about her unfortunate loss.

loss
The condition of being deprived or bereaved of something or someone
(thefreedictionary.com)

I hope she will be okay. Insyaallah.

Stress suck!

++Okay, i am under a lot of stress lately. What's with the problem at work, personal, dengan adik yang tidak mendengar kata, membuatkan aku susah nak lena tidur dan ended up snoozed my alarm for several times every morning. Someone said i looked pucat today. She asked me what was wrong. I told her i was fine, tapi aku tau aku tak OK. I need to sort out me problems, hopefully relieving some of this burden away.
++A good friend of mine once advised me not to put too much hope on people. People has a way somehow to do wat they thot they shud do without ever knowing or considering how it may affect other people. She has gone too many to know, once you put your hopes to high, people can surprise you in a way you never know how. Time and time again, i tried not to, but time and time again i failed. When will i learn?

Tetiba teringat, Mika dalam Lollipop kata,

Sucking to hard on your lollipop
Oh, loves gonna get you down
Sucking to hard on your lollipop
Oh, loves gonna get you down
Say love, say love
Oh, loves gonna get you down.
Say love, say love
Oh, loves gonna get you down

Somehow it all seems ironic. Rasa cam nak carik any funny movie dan ketawa sampai menangis.

I say a little prayer

Kami bertarawih bersama-sama hari itu. Not by my choice, i have to say. If i can redo this event, i will not be there. That was the last place i wanted to be at that very time.
As all of the ma'mum sujud, sayup2 i terdengar suara die ketika sujud. And terlintas dalam hati, i really really want this guy. Within seconds my conscience said; you can't have this guy. Look at you, and look at him and look at her. So with tears, i prayed;
" Ya Allah, berikan aku kekuatan untuk memaafkan dan melupakan. Hanya kepada-Mu ku berserah "

Selsema babi betul!

Siut tak...

Lepas tengok He's Just Not that Into You, aku berazam untuk tidak mengingati SA (too Much) and wondering why he doesn't call/sms. Anyway, dalam tengah2nak lena tu tetiba ada bunyik sms masuk, sms daripada dia.

"Awak
akan
gembire
bila
awak
tau ade org
syg
awk

ade org
rindu
awak

ade org
suke
awak

tp
rase lebih
gembire bile
tau
adeo rg
x pernah
lupekan
awak..."

Rasa macam selsema babi tak?? Ish laa.. macam mana nii?? Dah la masa tu tgh lagu Liz Phair-Why Can't I dalam ipod. Terus rasa nak pengsan.

why can't i breathe
whenever i think about you
why can't i speak
whenever i talk about you
it's inevitable
it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it
so tell me
why can't I breathe
whenever I think about you

WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO ABOUT YOU????

Malang Tak Berbau, Sudah Jatuh Ditimpa Tangga

betul lah. sangat betul peribahasa itu. lepas kete aku kemek kene langgar dek Pajero *tutt* kat Hoshas, tayar lak kene tukar pasal ader 'bisul' kat driver's side. semua orang yang aku tanya suruh tukar tayar tu takut meletup lak. ai ai ai. pastu aku dengan bangangnya tak menghidupkan enjin kete sampai bateri kete tu abes dan kene panggil pomen jumpstart kan. huhu :( dah melayang almost rm500 sebab beli bateri baru n tukar tayar baru. ape nak wat? cobaan~

tak jadik pegi kuantan 22hb. ika tak jadik pegi gambang. mak suruh balik pegi kenduri kak cik kat bukit merah. dah plan nak singgah ipoh jumpak izyani n family. tak tipon pun dier lagi. tak saba nak jumpa baby alim!nak beli ape aa kat baby alim nie...

projek mega cam belum menampakkan hasil lagi. tapi bisnes partner asik tanya2 jek. camner nak berhasil kalo takder sambutan. nampak sangat kang i yang tersua-sua. cilakak punya person!

*the sight of you brought pain in my heart*

you still do. we're bound to cross path over and over again throughout our lives. i just hope the next time i see you, the pain won't hurt so much anymore.

Ya Allah berikan aku kekuatan. Please give me strength to accept the fact that it is all over.

*susahnya nak lupakan kenangan*

Aku yang menghampiri suku abad~

hui aku sudah tua. heh. anyway sudah 5 hari berturut2 aku asyik memandu jauh je. my back pun aching like crazy. memula jumaat tu balik serdang, sabtu gi jalan2 kat sana-sini, ahad balik jengka, isnin pegi kuantan n selasa pegi maran. fuh, i'm glad it's finally over. malas dah nak bawak kete besok. rehat jap :)
masa on the way nak balik jengka tuh, ader one massive traffic jam kat hiway karak. so banyak gile la kete terstuck kat jalan (2 lanes) and tak bergerak almost 10 mins. and i have to admit aku ader sedikit anxiety attack yang wat aku tak boleh nak dok diam. tapi aku bukan nak citer pasal anxiety ni la. aku nak lepas geram kat orang2 bodoh yang masuk emergency lane kat sebelah kiri sekali tu sebab nak cepat jalan. tapi yang sebenar2nya depa ni laa yang wat jam lagi bertambah teruk sebab kalo tak camne tow truck nak lalu kalo berketul2 kete penuh kat every lanes? cam bangang. memang aku mencarut masa jam tuh dan curse orang2 yang camni la. siut kan?

Alone

how can people be so selfish? this is the question i've been asking myself for a long time. when i tot i can count on someone, then this someone will let me down. have i been putting too much hope on people? coz truthfully eventho i have lots of frens but nobody can be counted as frens. take people around me for instance. when i do good to them unconditionally, what i get? DISAPPOINTMENT. i've been hurt so many times before. this time it's the same thing again. when will i get over with this mistake of putting too much hope on people and believing they will do good to you? people nowadays can't be trusted anymore. at least that's what i believe now. won't let myself get too close to anybody now. ever. coz what will they bring? MISERY.

f**k you heartless two face b***h

lega

i am mentally exhausted

me having fun with myself *pathetic


i am i am. but am going to sort this out.

Cake-I Will Survive

At first I was afraid
I was petrified
I kept thinking
I could never live without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights
Just thinking how you'd done me wrong
And I grew strong
I learned how to get along
So now you're back
From outer space
I just walked in to find you here
Without the look upon your face
I should have changed my f-ing lock
I would have made you leave your key
If I'd have known for just one second
You'd be back to bother me

Oh now go,
Walk out the door
Just turn around now
You're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to break me with desire
Did you think I'd crumble
Did you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
As long as I know how to love I know I'll be alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
I will survive
I will survive
Yeah, yeah

It took all the strength I had
Just not to fall apart
I'm trying hard to mend the pieces
Of my broken heart
And I spent oh so many nights
Just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
But now I hold my head up high
And you see me
With somebody new
I'm not that stupid little person still in love with you
And so you thought you'd just drop by
And you expect me to be free
But now I'm saving all my loving
For someone who's loving me

Oh now go,
Walk out the door
Just turn around now
You're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to break me with desire
Did you think I'd crumble
Did you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
As long as I know how to love I know I'll be alive
I've got all my live to live
I've got all my love to give
I will survive
I will survive
Yeah, yeah

don't ever get your hopes high, especially on people

how true. lately aku rasa semua orang di sekeliling aku sangat selfish n disappointing. aku dah la rasa lonely sometimes but then eventho aku berada di tempat yang penuh dengan orang tapi keadaan diorang tu bukan aku rasa annoyed. bila nak mintak tolong tu kemain lagi merayu, cakap lembut2 tapi bila aku mintak tolong lak, boleeh lak lupa. dah la dah lama aku btau. ish geram tul. geram aku geram!!!

ika dah selamat register kat kolej poly-tech mara. harap2 dier dapat adjust herself well coz aku tgk tpt tu cam tak selesa sangat (hostel). macam2 mak beli untuk dier. masa aku masuk kmpp pun tak cam tu. arap2 lepas ni ika akan blaja betul2 la. kalo dier wat taik gak macam spm tu tak tau la aku :( aku hanya mampu mendoakan dier berubah sket la dari perangai dier dulu. aku ni risaukan adik2 yang takkan abes :(

the thing is rite now i'm mentally exhausted.

Bad Day :(

hari aku dimulakan dengan bunyi crash yg mana cermin panjang yg aku bari beli dari giant pecah. penyangkut yg aku gunakan tak tahan untuk tampung berat cermin tu... satu hal jugak la nak kutip serpihan cermin2 subuh2 tu. pastu pagi semua kerja yg aku buat serba tak kena. ngantuk giler padahal tido awal gak kol 12. rasa cam sial giler.
then dtg plak en.muzamil nak lantus dier. dah la takder stok lagik. kene laa buat muka comel dan kata stok takder lagi. amekk la lagi kat htaa nanti. asik2 aku jek pinjam ubat kat htaa niii. sial lagik. geramnya!!!
pastu petang terserempak lak ngan doktor baru tuh. dier lagi jauh lagi cam tak suke jek tgk aku.. apsal tah. aku lagi la bengang. apahal lak doktor nih nak buat kucing lak. malas la aku nak layan.

p/s: phone tgh dibaiki di kedai. harap2 dapat dibaiki. huhu.